The Ultimate Akatsuki
by WizardPain
Summary: After three years waiting the Akatsuki finally reform, after Deidara's stunts with the Boston Marathon the team finally reunites in one epic story.
1. Chapter 1

-setting-

_The story takes place three years into the future, Uchiha Obito is deceased, the Akatsuki are reborn, and peace has fallen to the world. The former Akatsuki have rejoined the ranks of the world as a new S-Ranked Criminal Organization, the Ultimate Akatsuki. These are their stories._

_-Local Jail_-

"Is it quite pathetic that we, the Akatsuki, the world's most amazing super fucking awesome organization ever, is stuck here, in jail"

"Hey! It's not OUR Fault we got marked as suspected Terrorists because Deidara blew up the Boston Marathon!"

"Poor Deidara, where is that man right now?"

-Inside a giant pirate ship 10 miles away-

"Hey Roy, you think he's in here?"

"Nah man, why would a wanted criminal hide in a giant pirate ship that is so fucking out-of-place?"

"Well you know look at it, it looks like the Forsaken Fortress from The Legend of Zelda"

"Yeah that certainly made sense, a giant pirate ship on top of a stone fortress with search lights and demons that turns dark the minute you set foot upon it" The sky around Deidara's hideout turns black with clouds as the great artist Deidara emerges from the wooden vessel riding his clay bird

"TOBI, HM!" The masked childish man jumps out of the boat and waves at the FBI agents

"HIII MR. FBI MAN SENPAI!" Deidara eyes Tobi with a look of disgust at his stupidity, meanwhile, Zetsu stares at the fight from down the road

"**Why the fuck are we even watching this" **"Because it's quite amusing" "**What the bloody hell is THAT**" Orochimaru appears from the shadows on his giant snake, Manda.

"Hello Akatsuki" Orochimaru pulls out a sword, of course, by throwing it up from his mouth

"Eughh why does this guy always have to spit things up out of his mouth it's unsanitary and completely disgusting" Zetsu disappears, as it's white counterpart finds itself disgusted with Orochimaru's disgusting habits.

"Enough, hm!" Deidara grabs Tobi and flies away, Orochimaru uses his snake to deflect the bullets from the police

"What the bloody hell, Orochimaru! DO I LOOK LIKE A SHIELD TO YOU!"

"Shutup Manda, you precious snake bastard you" Orochimaru licks his pet in a quite...disturbing manner...

-Local Jail-

"Akatsuki, Shield yourselves!" Deidara bombs out the side wall of the jail cell the Akatsuki team is hidden in, including the half of Zetsu that isn't materialized somewhere else. "You damn fools, un"

"Deidara we wouldn't be in here if they wouldn't have came looking for YOU, you damn terrorist!"

"Well Pein, you didn't have to CLAIM to be our leader now, it's your fault they think you're part of Al Queada now"

"Boys, boys, relax, just be happy we don't have to sit through another bloody Television session with those anime nerds in Cell Block D"

"Yes, Konan is right, I couldn't sit through another hour of Dragon Ball Z"

-Flash back-

"ON THIS EPISODE OF DRAGON! BALL! Z! GOKU CHARGES UP HIS ATTACK FOR THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES!" The anime nerds seem to stare intrigued by the character apparently charging up his attack, which is only perceived as a man screaming.

"Dear god what is the fucking point!"

"Hidan! Shutup!" Hidan's quiet offensive comment about the show seemed to attract attention from the anime nerds, which apparently sends them into a total rant about how good Dragon Ball Z is.

"Dragon Ball Z is like the best anime ever, just wait until Goku finishes that attack you'll be sorry for dissing DBZ after you see that!" The cartoon ends, then starts up again for a second episode

"THIS TIME ON DRAGON! BALL! Z! Goku finishes charging up his attack and then charges up his attack again while his opponent stands opposite him having a flash back about his miserable childhood!"

"Yep, I stand by what I said, fucking stupid ass show, I think even One Piece is better and One Piece made Pein's virginity come back!" The entire crowd seems to stare at Pein except for Konan who snickers at him

"Hey! It's not my fault I thought it would be cool! Plus it's not my fault that stupid show brings back your virginity!"

"Oh please everyone knows that, plus nobody will take somebody's re-gained One Piece virginity!"

"Konan would! She loves me!" Konan just stares at Pein with a blank stare

"Pein, although I do love you, if I banged you after you watched One Piece, that would be as shameful as WATCHING One Piece"

"She's just mad because Pein has a piercing in his dick"

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah he told me one time, long car ride home, Pein was drunk"

"Hidan" Pein stares angrily at Hidan "I thought I said what happens in Vegas STAYED in Vegas"

"Well obviously your dick piercing and your STD didn't

"Wait Pein has an STD Too?"

"It's called NyQuil Cold, Flu, and AIDS, comes in handy if you bang a slut in Vegas"

"Still disapprove of that piercing Pein"

"HEY! I TRIED to take it out but it doesn't come out"

"I am NOT having sex with you again unless you take that piercing out"

"I thought those things were supposed to make it better"

"No, it hurts like a mother fuck because it has a fucking sharp edge"

"They call him Pein for a reason I guess"

"Yeah, and they call him One Piece Virgin for the same reason"

"Oh come on Konan bang your boyfriend so he shuts up!"

"SHE is NOT my girlfriend!"

"Oh come on Pein, are you EVER going to make anything official with her, or do I have do make Jamal from Cell Block E make you drop the soap again?"

"Hidan, WHY must you bring these things up in front of everyone?"

"Will you ALL SHUT THE HELL UP, HM!" Deidara suddenly halts his clay bird in a corn field

"What the fuck Deidara!"

"Thanks to all you bitching I never realized it ran out of fuel, now it needs a sample of human blood!"

"...We'll be right back" Pein and Konan run off for a quick second, then return with a giant silo filled with blood marked "HIDAN"

"What the HELL is that?"

"That would be all of Hidan's blood Konan cleaned up out of the carpets of our hideout" Pein opens a valve on the silo and the blood flows into Deidara's bird, making it huge

"Pein...I think we just made Deidara's first Nuclear bird.."

"Dei, is it safe to even ride this thing, like what the fuck?"

"Quit your bitching, hm! Get on the damn bird, un!"

-After hours of bickering about Pein's piercing, at the Akatsuki hideout-

"So this is it, huh? Our old hideout, how I missed this place" Pein hugs the television set which was left untouched for three years

"What the...Oh god, you people are back" Itachi stands up from behind the corner of the door to his bedroom

"How the hell Itachi? Where have you been?"

"When I said I went to kill Sasuke I secretly waited for you all to leave, came back to raid Pein's room for food and money for Heroin, then you never came back so I just hid here"

"Wow...Itachi...Wow..."

"I also learned to speak Spanish! Holo mi Amago!"

"Itachi...I don't think you learned very well.."

"I learned from mentally challenged drug runners..."

"Who else but Itachi...wait, if you're here, where's Kisame?"

"Family Reunion"

"Is Kakuzu still where we left him?"

"Oh yeah I forgot about him" Itachi opens the tanning bed "Sorry Kakuzu but you REALLY needed a tan, I mean you wear those fucking cloaks and masks all the time you're pail white!" Kakuzu stumbles over on his severe third degree burns

"This doesn't hurt anymore, 90% of my skin fell off and regrew"

"That..sounds painful...well it's been a long day, we should probably get some sleep"


	2. Chapter 2

-Akatsuki Hideout, Next morning-

"Wow I just realized how comfortable our beds are in comparison to the ones in Jail" Deidara gets up and cracks his back, he seems stiff, but wouldn't anybody be if they slept in a wooden ship for a week

"At least a 1 inch piece of foam on a piece of metal is more support than a wooden boat, un" Suddenly, the door swings open, and in walks Kisame Hoshigaki from his family reunion, surprised to see the sight of all his friends reunited at last.

"Akatsuki! You're all back! And Kakuzu is awake again too!"

"Kisame don't even begin to start on how horrible those months in that tanning booth were, I seriously think my skin grew to the lights, now where's my bank books, I should have accumulated a fair amount of money by now, yes!" The Akatsuki stare at Kakuzu knowing he's still his usual greedy self.

"Why does he have all this money but I don't have a fucking arm, hm! It's just sitting there...alone...rotting, un" Deidara stares as the flies conjugate in a cloud around his missing arm

"Don't even begin, Deidara. You will never understand the pain I feel" Pein looks as if he's going to begin one of his emo monologues about his miserable past

"Oh god he never shuts up about pain, he's worse than that Vietnam Veteran"

-Flash Back, Local Grocery Store-

"Would you like to donate 2 dollars to a wounded veteran" Kakuzu gets ready to defend his mere two dollars with his life.

"Yeah, no, we're homeless"

"Homeless! Back in 'Nam we were all homeless!"

"Ok...I don't really give a damn"

"Back in 'Nam we had to eat tree bark!"

"Again, don't really give a fuck"

"Back in 'Nam if you didn't give a fuck you got your head blown off!" Pein's eye starts to twitch uncontrollably as he gets frustrated hearing about "'Nam" "Back in 'Nam it was fight or die!"

"I SAID I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! SHINRA TENSEI!" Pein's attack sends the old man flying into the wall of the grocery store, while everyone else is distracted and too afraid to come near Pein, Kakuzu secretly steals all the money from the wounded veteran donation box, a total of almost 2,000 dollars, all of which never seen the light of day again.

-Akatsuki, Current date-

"Ok everyone, get ready for debriefing on today's mission"

"OOH! LEADER PEIN! WHERE DO WE GET TO GO TODAY!"

"Tobi, relax. As for our mission, today we need to head to the Village hidden in the Leaves to pick up our new shipment of household items, furniture food, a new TV, all that good crap" Hidan grimaces at the fact that he must head to the leaf village.

"Oh fucking god I hate those leaf villagers for the hennas acts they committed against me!"

-Omegle, 3 years ago-

"God fucking Dammit, Kakuzu! If one more, ONE MORE god damn person asks my age sex and location I will hire a computer hacker to trace this Omegle chat back to them, find them, and brutally murder them!"

-Over in the Hidden Leaf Village-

"Sasuke! SASUKE! We have a new one! Say something!"

"Sorry Naruto, being an emo makes it difficult to concentrate on Omegle chatting"

"Oh you and your emo bullshit again"

"Nobody will ever understand my torment and there isn't enething you can do to change it"

"Yeah nothing can change the fucked up way you say "anything" either, huh?"

"THERE ISN'T ENETHING WRONG WITH THE WAY I SAY ENETHING!"

"Whatever just talk to the people!"

"No Naruto, you have offended my emo style by making fun of the way I say enething"

"Ah shit..I dunno what to say...uhh...I think that last guy said something about uhh...AGE SEX LOCATION there it was!"

-Hidan-

Hidan reads the message as his blank stare turns to a frown of disgust

"I'll FUCKING KILL YOU FOR SAYING THAT!"

"Sorry dude! That was the first time I ever even said it!"

"YEAH IT'LL BE YOUR LAST MOTHER FUCKER!"

"...What?"

"Mark my words, I will find you, and I will kill you"

"Ok then weirdo"

-Five hours later-

"Ok so we got a positive match on uhh Sasuke Uchiha doing this so uhh that'll be like 30 bucks"

"KAKUZU!"

"Fuck off, Hidan. I told you, if you hire this guy it's on YOU!" Hidan stares blankly at Kakuzu and knocks him unconscious, then takes a fifty dollar bill out of the pocket of his Akatsuki cloak

"Here keep the change buy yourself something nice"

-Akatsuki, Present Day-

"So wait, did you ever kill Sasuke?"

"No, Orochimaru and his goonies kidnapped him first, I figured a lifetime of being raped by an old pedophile should make up for his crimes against me"

"Oh god don't even mention him"

"Why what did that fucker do?"

"Hidan you wouldn't remember Orochimaru, he was before your time as an Akatsuki, but dear GOD did I hate that guy"

-Flashback-

"Ok Akatsuki, meet our new member, Uchiha Itachi" Orochimaru's eyes light up almost as if he just jizzed himself at the sight of the Uchiha who just walked in, obviously giving away that he's a total pedophile considering Uchiha Itachi is only in his late teens and Orochimaru is about 50

"... Uchiha...Itachi"

"What's wrong with this guy"

"Ignore Orochimaru he has a weird obsession with red eyes"

"So wait...he's a stoner?"

"No no only Sharingan"

"Oh...I see...Still he looks like a stoner"

"Well then...Itachi, why don't you start by introducing yourself?"

"Yeah I'm Itachi Uchiha, I killed my clan, I'm emo, my dead mom buys my clothes for me from Hot Topic, I look like a Nazi, I use really big long words nobody knows for depression like Melancholy, I was raped multiple times by my grandpa as a kid, I hate you all" Orochimaru seems to drool at the fact that he was raped by his grandfather.

"Well...this is the Akatsuki hideout, familiarize yourself with it and uhh we'll figure our your teammate later" Itachi proceeds to take a soul searching walk around a lake to Dust In The Wind remembering his haunting past, then proceeds to return to the Akatsuki Hideout, Orochimaru follows behind him.

"Uchiha Itachi hehe the Sharingan shall finally be mine" Orochimaru's snake wraps itself around Itachi's midsection, Itachi simply stands unamused at Orochimaru's trickery.

"Orochimaru, you are the most worthless excuse for a human being ever, I know you're a pedophile, I KNOW you're the one who set up that trap out front the hideout that says "Free My Little Pony toys" although all that did was attract more 50 year old pedophiles so now you're all luring little boys to this hideout in which we're forced to leave now and I was sent to kick you out of the Akatsuki" Orochimaru stands dumbfounded at the words Itachi had just spoke to him.

"Uchiha Itachi...Always the brightest of them all, too bad it will be I who kills you, and the Sharingan shall be mine!" Orochimaru begins to sign hands to start his body transfer jutsu. Itachi activates his Mangakyou Sharingan, obliterating Orochimaru's arms

"I GAVE you a chance to live, but instead you persisted, so run now before I take more than just your arms" Orochimaru flees the Akatsuki hideout, Itachi returns to visit with the rest of the group

"Ok I got rid of Orochimaru, all you pedos get the fuck out or I'll cut off your balls and hand them to you in a paper cup" The pedophiles seem utterly disturbed to say the least at Itachi's quite gruesome comment, then proceed to sprint out of the Akatsuki Hideout.

"Well we need a new Akatsuki now, Sasori is short a person"

"Then who the fuck will replace that pedo?" Itachi turns on the Television, a news alert pops up

"An unidentified object has just flown into the twin towers! This is a grim September Eleventh indeed" A close up reveals Deidara flying clay birds into the twin towers

"Itachi, you go with Kisame Hoshigaki and bring back that man, he looks moderately tall, long blonde hair, explosives, he's a terrorist, he'll fit right in here"

-Later on the way to Deidara-

"I always said we should build the Akatsuki hideout in a tree house!"

"Kisame what is the point of building a headquarters for an evil organization in a tree!"

"It's a prime location! Think about it, when we'd have to sell it because of Orochimaru we could get so much property value out of it!"

"Shutup Kisame"

"You never get me what I want!"

"I've known you for 30 minutes!"

"You should say hi to my Yo-Yo!"

"What the FUCK is wrong with you"

"I'm Kisame!"

"I swear this guy must be the stupidest guy in the Akatsuki ever" At that moment, Itachi spots Deidara walking down the street "Kisame, on guard, that is him, the target" Itachi walks swiftly up in front of Deidara blocking his path "Deidara, you are wanted"

"Oh shit its the police, hm!" Deidara does not wait to hear out that Itachi is a part of a group of rogues not bounty hunters, instantly he jumps on his clay bird and throws bombs at Itachi and Kisame "Take that, un!"

"What the fuck! We're the bad guys" Deidara takes bad guys in consideration as bad to him, as in police.

"I'm not going down just yet, hm!"

"You fucktard!" Itachi uses his Mangakyou to trap Deidara, then throws him over his shoulder and walks off, nearby Kakuzu watches the fight.

"God dammit, that was MY bounty, I need my fucking money!" Kakuzu, greedy as ever follows the Akatsuki back to their hideout.

-Later that day-

"Ok Deidara, we're the Akatsuki, I am Pein, the girl standing beside me is Konan, we are the leaders of the Akatsuki, the two who brought you here are Kisame and Itachi" Deidara stares disgusted at Itachi for using visual jutsu to insult his precious "artwork" he treasures so much. "Also here today is Sasori, he shall be your teammate as an Akatsuki member" Sasori stares blankly at Deidara with his typical "I'm so fucking stoned guys" face. At that exact moment Kakuzu stormed in

"The blonde, he is mine, there's a one million dollar bounty on his head" Pein stares blankly at Kakuzu.

"Random unnecessary Akatsuki members nobody's ever heard of, please escort this uninvited guest from our premises" Kakuzu proceeds to wipe out all the Akatsuki but the main characters

"I said the blonde is mine" Pein stares shocked at Kakuzu's skill

"You there, you wanna be an Akatsuki? We take bounties bigger than him all the time" Kakuzu's greedy eyes light up at Pein's offer "Although, he seems short tempered, I think we should team him up with somebody else who he can't kill" Itachi turns on the television again

"Channel 6 news is teamed here with a man named Hidan who claims he has reached immortality, is this true Hidan?"

"Yes indeed, I have achieved full immortality, PRAISE JASHIN EVERYBODY!"

"Well do you have any proof?"

"Of course!" Hidan holds a gun to his head and pulls the trigger multiple times, still standing, seeming to enjoy the pain inflicted upon him from the gunshot wounds..

-Akatsuki, Present day-

"So that's how we all got here"

"You never told us how you got your dick piercing"

"Shut up about that!"

"Make me" Hidan crosses his arms at Pein

"You're so lucky you're immortal you dick"


	3. Chapter 3

-Akatsuki Hideout-

"Ok today's mission, one member here must take Kisame to the vet" Everyone quickly tries to come up with some excuse as to why they can't take the fish-man to his yearly physical.

"Shouldn't Itachi do it, hm? I mean he is his partner, yeah" All the other Akatsuki quickly try to validate Deidara's point.

"Well I gotta do that thing you know that me and Hidan do every Sunday uhh what was that again Hidan?"

"Masturbate" Everyone stares at Hidan wondering if he is serious or if he's trying to embarrass Itachi.

"Uhh yeah! Masturbate!"

"Well I mean maybe back-to-back I mean face on would be weird I mean I'm not gay" Everyone thinks to themselves as to if it made Hidan sound gay just by saying he'd do that in the same room as Itachi, let alone back to back

"Well then...I guess those two should go...figure out their weird fantasies, uhh who's next?"

"Why don't YOU do it, hm?"

"Well uhh...I have prior obligations with Konan tonight, _RIGHT?"_

_"_Oh uhh yeah!"

"Exactly so who's up next, Sasori?"

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Because you were the first Akatsuki to die!"

"What does that have to do with anything!?"

"Because MAYBE if you weren't stoned out of your mind all the time you would have been able to defeat your grandmother and a fifteen year old girl with pink hair"

"Shut up! I told you I don't smoke weed!"

"Oh please, Zetsu!" Zetsu merges through the floor then returns moments later with a box filled with Marijuana

"...Whatever" Kakuzu's eyes light up at the sight of the drugs knowing he could make money off it

"Umm I'll just hold on to these you know for safe keeping...my precious moneyyy" Everyone sighs at Kakuzu knowing he'll only fail at selling the drugs and get arrested

"Well then I elect Sasori to take Kisame to the vet, and if he gets a clean record you have to take him to any restaurant he wants to go to, NO EXCEPTIONS"

-Later that day at the Vet-

"Visit for Kisame Hoshigaki"

"I'm sorry sir we don't allow puppets in our office"

"They're not puppets! They're my parents! THEY'RE REAL!"

"Hmm yes sir yes indeed"

"Don't talk about my parents that way!" A tear comes to Sasori's eye

"Sir I don't know what type of drugs you're on" The nurse pulls out a 50 dollar bill "But buy me some with that because it sounds fun"

"K-Kisame...see the vet...now..." Sasori begins to sob and run out of the building

"Pussyass" Sasori hears the comment and runs back in

"Hoshigaki Kisame, you're up next!" Kisame gets up and walks into the vet's office

"EXCUSE ME! What did you say to me!"

"You heard me, pussyass"

"Oh no you fucking didn't!"

"What are you going to do, cut me with your pussyass puppets? OOOH I'm SO scared SCARY puppets so terrifying"

-Meanwhile in the Vet's office-

"Ok Kisame how's it been going?"

"The usual, evil organizations"

"Still want the Akatsuki to buy a tree house?"

"YES!"

"Ok so you look good, who brought you in today Kisame?"

"Sasori, Itachi was busy masturbating with Hidan" The vet stares dumbfounded at Kisame's...quite blunt remark.

"Well...let's go turn this over to WHAT THE FUCK!" The vet notices Sasori and the nurse at the counter about ready to fight to the death over her remark

"I'LL SHOW YOU PUSSYASS!"

"WELL AT LEAST BUY ME A DRINK FIRST!"

"BITCH I'LL MAKE YOU FUCKING CRY!"

"Kisame, please escort Sasori out of the building" Kisame pulls out his sword and shoves it between Sasori and the nurse

"Ok Sasori it says here healthy, I want to go to Wendy's I want a frosty"

"Ughhh why"

"Because Pein told you, you HAVE to take me ANYWHERE"

"I hate you so much, Kisame"

-One Trip To Wendy's Later-

"When I was a kid I wished grandpa would get off me at least just fuck more softly"

"Hey Itachi!"

"OH SHIT! You...didn't hear any of that did you?"

"Only the thing about how your grandpa raped you"

"What ELSE could go wrong today?"

"HELLLOO ITACCHIII, UN!"

"Oh god not this idiot again"

"OH MUMSY I'M HOME, HM!"

"I told you, Deidara, I am not your mother"

"Oh relax Pein I'm only messing with you, un"

"Whatever Deidara, you asshole"

"Seems mumsy is quite upset tonight, hm"

"Deidara is right, Pein we need to go on a vacation somewhere"

"Konan you say that like every week"

"I mean it this time Pein" Konan stares deeply into Pein's soul, which seems to scare him

"Nyaaaa ok, ok, we'll go on Vacation!"

"Good boy" Konan smiles quite affectionately at Pein who stares at the ground with an emo storm cloud above his head. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Konan shoos away the storm cloud, which apparently curses at her as it disperses, but who knows, emo storm clouds don't know English very well, only really long emo words like Discombobulated and Melancholy.

"Where shall we goto on Vacation?" Konan passes out a ballet for each member, the following was their responses

Pein: Purgatory

Konan: Road Trip

Deidara: Ground Zero

Sasori: The Art Museum

Itachi: The Cemetery

Kisame: Wendy's

Kakuzu: The bank (To totally NOT rob it)

Hidan: Anywhere I can kill people

Tobi: CHUCK E' CHEESE!

Zetsu: WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN MENTIONED SINCE CHAPTER ONE **YOU BITCHES**

Orochimaru: The playpen at McDonald's

"Wait how did Orochimaru get on here!"

"Whatever, shut up I'm trying to watch To Catch A Predator"

-TV-

"We're here with Chris Hansen at a local McDonald's to find a Pedophile"

"Have a seat right here, sir" Hansen points to Orochimaru who came wearing a shirt that says "I love little boys"

-Later in the episode-

Hansen walks up to Orochimaru again, at the same McDonald's "Never in all my time on this show have I EVER seen somebody SO disgraceful to do this a second time"

"I WAS JUST GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT!"

-Itachi-

"Oh yeah eat a little boy's Dick

-Hansen-

"Oh yeah because you didn't come to meet "ChildUchiha321" from America Online"

"I WAS JUST GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT! DEWY22 TOLD ME I SHOULDN'T COME HERE!"

-Akatsuki-

"That...was pathetic..."

"Well since Konan's vote made the most sense, roadtrip it is"

"Oh wow...JUST WONDERFUL. I'm gonna go cut myself now"

"Whatever Itachi, everyone else, get a good night sleep, long day tomorrow"


	4. Chapter 4

-Akatsuki Mobil-

"Ok has everyone used the bathroom?" Everybody except for Zetsu, Pein, and Konan walk out the car, because of course, Zetsu being a plant does not excrete waste *eyeroll* lucky ass plant has human capabilities without our fucking god damn bathroom needs. The rest of the Akatsuki return a half hour later, excluding Tobi, who stopped to make a sandwich, of course, which inspired EVERYONE to make a sandwich, so another half hour later everyone is FINALLY ready to depart, be happy you were spared hearing their bickering.

"Uhh Konan...?"

"Yes, Itachi"

"Why is Pein in the passenger seat?"

"Because I'm going to take this life-threatening dose of NyQuil, Xanax, and a bunch of sleeping pills" Konan steals the medicine from him and throws it out the window.

"Pein I told you, you will stop being a depressed emo kid today and show me a fun time"

"No, Itachi, give me an emo makeover and your knife, life is pain so I cut myself now"

"Wow Pein really IS depressed"

"He won't be when I'm done with him that fucker"

"Well what do we do to pass time?"

"Let's tell hilarious back-stories!"

"Good idea Kisame, how 'bout we start with Pein telling us about his dick piercing!"

"Hidan you know how it happened so shut the FUCK up!"

"Somebody's grumpy today, jeez!"

"I'll start, with the story of how I became an emo"

-Itachi flashback-

"Itachi why are you wearing such tight pants, I can see your dick hanging out of them"

"Because, my mother told me there's no point in having balls if nobody can see them!"

"Yeah, there's also no point in having balls if you can't use them because your pants killed them" A random man walks up, he looks awful old to be in High School.

"Hey uhh my name's John, I'm required by law to tell you that I'm a registered Sex Offender"

"Oh cool, we're all sex offenders in this High School, we use the term SO for abbreviation because that's literally ALL we talk about"

"Well...do you like use Facebook or like watch Football?"

"No time for FB or FB all about SO"

"Wow... OOOKAY then"

"Itachi..you just mindfucked that pedo so bad"

"Yes indeed, Shisui" At that exact moment, Pein, Konan and Deidara walk up

"Hey look Konan, it's the emo kids!"

"Damn Uchiha, they do not appreciate my art, hm"

"Pein be nice to the emo boys"

"Oh come on Konan, watch it's fun!" Zetsu breaks into the principals office and steals the intercom

"Attention all emo kids **there's a sale on razor blades **and My Chemical Romance CD's **On Aisle 666"**

"Good old Zetsu, gotta love that plant fucker"

"Whatever, you dicks"

"Ohohoh, wait Itachi, just wait" Deidara sticks his mouth hand in Itachi's face, apparently it is to be taken as a sign of disrespect.

-Later that day at Lunch-

"Hey everybody look what I got!" Hidan runs up to Pein with a Weegee board.

"Ok lets start, what does the magic Weegee board desire us to do!" the board spells out "Konan should make out with Deidara's hand"

"Ok..." Konan proceeds to kiss Deidara's hand, of course she's disgusted by the taste of clay

"Gross, next" The board spells out "Deidara's hand should lick Pein's shoe"

"Something is fucked up with this board, hm!" Deidara notices Pein using his Deva Path power to force the board to react strangely

"You dick!" Konan gets pissed and puts Pein's dick in a death grip

"Owww what the fuck!"

"I warned you about that, I'll rip it off next time you pervert"

"Sorry!"

"Pein, learn when to shut up" Itachi walks past at that exact moment

"Oh look it's the Insane Emo Posse!"

"Shut up for once you assholes" Pein stands up as if he was to fight with Itachi

"Don't even push your luck Uchiha bastard" Pein throws Itachi against a wall "I warned you, you bastard. SHINRA TENSEI!" Pein sends Itachi flying out of the school, Deidara proceeds to throw bombs at Itachi while Konan watches

"What are you doing!?"

"Oh shit it's Orochi Sensei! RUN!" Orochimaru takes the three teens off to the police department, Pein, Konan, and Deidara were expelled from High School, they lay in wait to begin a new evil plot, Zetsu, Hidan, and Kakuzu later dropped out, they returned on the date of Uchiha Itachi's graduation

"When this fucker comes out I will finally have my revenge for dissing my art, hm!"

Meanwhile the Akatsuki await, Itachi is at home in the land of the Uchiha, murdering his entire family, the Akatsuki completely disband after that date, only to reunite a year later when Konan and Pein meet at a local Starbucks, phone the Akatsuki, unwittingly hire the man who had them expelled, then the child they victimized.

-Akatsuki, Present Day-

"Wow our High School story was fucked up, ok well here's the rest stop, we'll tell more stories tomorrow"


	5. Chapter 5

"Ok, today is our monthly shopping trip and since we're already on route with this vacation to the only Walmart left in the tri-state area we aren't banned from, oh and you have Hidan to thank for us getting banned from the LAST Walmart for killing a Customer Service representative in the name of Lord Stab-A-Clerk, so NOBODY do anything stupid here, got it, HIDAN" Hidan rolls his eyes and makes that hand-roll gesture at Konan's scalding of him for his quite...unnecessary attacks. "Everyone of you have 50 dollars to spend on anything you will want for the next month" Everyone thinks about their purchases already, accept for Kakuzu who spends his shopping days pocketing 49 dollars and spending one on a small soda at the Subway in which he gets free refills until the other Akatsuki return, and with Tobi being an idiot, the Subway usually runs out of soda.

-Tobi, Zetsu, and Hidan-

"Mr. Zetsu look! I'm a Mummy!" Tobi wraps himself in the paper on the shelves in the Art Supplies Aisle.

"Tobi you idiot **Put that shit down you dumbass**"

"Hey guys, I got an idea, let's go type funny URL's into the computers!" Hidan and Zetsu walk over to the electronics department, leaving Tobi behind to fulfill his...Mummy fantasy..

"Are you fellows looking to buy today?"

"Maybe we will if you get the fuck out of here" The clerk walks away with a disturbed look on his face, Hidan types in "thisurlislonerthanyourdick"

"Hidan, what the fuck?" Hidan tries again, this time he types in "touchmydragonballz" "Hidan..." Hidan types in a third one, this time "Google Hammer" and leaves it on the computer and runs away

"Oh WOW two guys fucking eachother, real mature" Hidan and Zetsu snicker at the people forced to watch it, at that exact moment Pein runs up to Hidan yelling.

"Hidan! #68 on the intercom! CALL ANYTHING! NOW GOTTA RUN!" Konan comes chasing after Pein

"I TOLD YOU PEIN, YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND TODAY WITH ME WITHOUT DICKING AROUND WITH HIDAN AND DEIDARA!" Hidan stares at Pein running away from his psychotic girlfriend.

"Zetsu...ZETSU!"

-Zetsu-

"I bet..**if we use our Mayfly technique...**we could...**Totally steal these computers without getting caught...**and keep the fifty bucks! **What good is fifty bucks if we can steal everything, dumbass?" **

-Kakuzu-

"Sir you need to lay off the soda"

"It says "FREE" refills, I want another Pepsi"

"You DRANK all the Pepsi!"

"Then I want Mountain Dew god fucking dammit!"

-Tobi-

"MUMMYYYYY!" The store clerk notices Tobi being a fool.

"Stop that!" Tobi continues to spool the paper around himself giving himself the impersonation that he's a Mummy. "GET OUT OF THE STORE! NOW!" Tobi is forcibly exited from the building, he waits for Pein when a white van rolls up.

"Hey kid want some candy?"

"What's with the "We are totally not the guys who murdered Adam Walsh and cut his head off and threw it in the river" sign"

"It's nothing, get in"

"What about the "this is not nothing, we really did kill Adam Walsh, he fell for this same setup" sign next to it"

"God dammit this kid has good eyes, GET HIM RICKY!" Tobi activates his Sharingan, teleporting the kidnappers to a woods somewhere near the hideout of Orochimaru, he steals the van and sells it at the scrap yard"

-Pein, Konan - Itachi, Kisame - Deidara-

"Come on Konan! Deidara's right over there! He's signaling me he sees something cool!"

"No, Pein, I told you, we're going to spend today TOGETHER, now give me a hug you sick twisted fruit" Konan hugs Pein, who simply disregards her to stare at Deidara practically jizzing himself over a box of fireworks.

"Stocking up for Independence Day, un!" Deidara had finally walked over after Pein struggles to signal him in between Konan's death hug. "These are the best they glow in the dark, un!" Pein gives Deidara a thumbs up and signals him to check out and meet Kakuzu at the Subway. Itachi and Kisame walk up and tap Konan on the shoulder.

"Can we go to Hot Topic, the smallest size here is Kid's Onesie and it doesn't seem to choke hold my balls right I need the "Super ultra should not even be a size how the fuck do you wear this emo black denim" from Hot Topic"

"No, Itachi, I'm putting my foot down, Kisame, escort Itachi out of my sight before I throw up at your disgust in Pein's mouth" Pein struggles to signal them to run away before his forced date rape takes a nasty turn.

-Hidan and Zetsu-

"Ok Zetsu, best number ever, 1-800-BLOW-JOB" Zetsu snickers at Hidan's selection, although not expecting it to be real. Hidan begins to type the number, then translates the letters, the call dials up over the Intercom.

"You called the right number, put it in now, no not that, your credit card number!" Hidan and Zetsu laugh their asses off at the sex phone line, an angered manager walks up behind them.

"YOU IDIOTS! YOU ARE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER!"

-Pein and Konan-

"Those fucking idiots, I swear if we have to drive out-of-state because of them I will kill somebody" Konan grabs Pein by the collar and forces him to make out with her, of course he's still pissed at Hidan. Meanwhile the manager wrangles up Itachi and Kisame and Deidara and Kakuzu, gathering them as a group with Hidan and Zetsu. The manager taps Pein on the shoulder during what only could be described as an..intimate moment.

"Excuse me sir, are these yours" The manager steps aside revealing the Akatsuki with the exception of Tobi.

"No, what makes you think that?"

"Hmm well I don't know maybe it's the fact that you're all wearing black cloaks with red clouds on them!"

"OH YOU DON'T SAY!"

"YES I DO SAY!"

"OH WELL FUCK YOU THEN!"

"YOU ARE BANNED FROM THIS STORE FOREVER!" The Akatsuki are forcibly escorted from the store, re-grouping with Tobi.

"FUCK IT! FUCK WALMART! WE'RE ALL GOING HOME BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE ALL ASSHOLES!" Pein sighs at Konan's anger, he tells the Akatsuki to stay put and hugs Konan.

"Relax, Hidan is an idiot, but hey, it's not our fault, ok"

"...Whatever Pein"

"Let's go, time for some sleep anyways"


End file.
